Friday, January 4, 2013

So i'm actually going to rant a bit...

First of all, I REALLY need to move out of my house. Like soon. I'm super depressed when I'm at home. I feel like it's dark, dirty, unorganized, cramped, and there's constantly people here who I don't want to be around. I can't even have people over anymore because my house disgusts me so much. Plus it's a constant reminder that my life isn't progressing. It feels like I've been out of school for ages, but it's only been one semester so far. I want to go back as soon as possible, but how am I supposed to do that without knowing what I want to study?

I practically live from house to house, but I hate having to depend on other people and feeling like I'm in the way. I know some of my friends want to move out but they don't want to have to pay bills. I don't have the resources to move out on my own... I don't even know if I have the resources to move out with a roommate. Plus the idea of getting an apartment and not putting money toward owning something seems like a waste. And planning to move out is extremely difficult when you don't know when or where you're going back to school.

Now I'm going to go totally off subject and say that I think it's complete bullshit that you call someone your 'best friend' who ditches you constantly and has been in and out of your life. I've been there for you your entire life and we're family, and I'm never first choice when it comes to hanging out or going somewhere with a group. Do you really not see that it's bothering me, or do you just not care enough to talk to me about it?

Do people just not want to be around me? Every time I ask someone if they want to hang out I feel like I have to ask a whole bunch of times, and even then all I'll get is a whole bunch of half-hearted excuses or an unenthusiastic 'yes'. And even when I do hang out with people, if I'm in a group I feel like I'm just the object of ridicule, like I'm there to just be put down the entire time or not included in the conversation. It might as well be like I'm not even there.

Is there something wrong with me? Am I depressed? Everyone is so wrapped up in their own lives, there's no way I can talk to anyone about what's going on. Plus I feel like I just keep complaining about the same things over and over and nothing ever changes.